Living with Schizophrenia: My Journey Through Psychotic Episodes

Esmé Weijun Wang, a talented novelist, offers a glimpse into her life with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. This mental health condition brings challenges like psychosis, which includes hallucinations, delusions, mania, and depression. Wang, now 35, has faced these struggles since her 20s and has been hospitalized against her will three times.

Despite these challenges, Wang defies the typical image of someone with a psychotic disorder. With degrees from Stanford and the University of Michigan, a well-received novel, and a second one on the way, she is also supported by her devoted husband of nine years. Through her writing and speaking engagements, Wang bravely shares her experiences, helping others understand what it’s like to live with this condition.

Early Signs: A Voice in the Shower

In 2005, while showering in her Stanford dorm, Wang heard a loud voice say, “I hate you!” At first, she thought it might be other students talking through the pipes. But, given her background in psychology and ongoing therapy, she quickly realized this could be a sign of something more serious. This moment marked the beginning of her awareness of the mental health struggles that would later be diagnosed as schizoaffective disorder.

The Reality of Psychosis

Psychotic episodes for Wang can be terrifying. During these times, she might see disturbing images, like a maggot-infested corpse in a parked car, or experience frightening hallucinations of demonic shadows. While some hallucinations can be dismissed, others are harder to ignore and more distressing.

The Delusion of Being Dead

Wang once endured a months-long delusion where she believed she was dead. At first, she saw this as a chance to relive her life in a better way, like being kinder to telemarketers. However, the delusion soon became tormenting, as she believed she was being punished. Although the delusion eventually lifted, the fear of its return still lingers.

Understanding Delusions

Wang experienced a ten-month period of psychosis with varying levels of hallucinations and delusions. In her darkest moments, she feared that her husband had poisoned her tea or that spiders were inhabiting her brain. During these times, she struggled to distinguish between reality and delusion. At other times, she had a vague sense that others wanted her to believe something different, but she couldn’t always escape the grip of her delusions.

Facing Misconceptions and Stigma

Wang has encountered misconceptions about her condition. Some people expect her to struggle with basic communication. However, she considers herself fortunate not to have faced outright discrimination. Her ability to function well and present a positive outward appearance has helped her avoid some of the stigma associated with schizophrenia. By sharing her story, Wang hopes to provide a more accurate understanding of living with this condition.

Managing Schizophrenia

There is no cure for schizophrenia, but Wang has found ways to manage her symptoms. She follows a medication regimen that helps stabilize her psychosis and attends therapy sessions, which are particularly useful during stressful times. Journaling has become a valuable tool for her, especially when she senses the onset of a psychotic episode. Wang also draws strength from her supportive husband, friends, and family. While her hallucinations are now generally more limited, she remains vigilant and never takes her stability for granted.